Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I hate this part


This is the part in my life where I wish I wasn't me. I wish I wasn't so stressed out in school, from work, from home, for money problems, my personal life. When I'm not at school, trying to do the best I can so my mom wont be mad at me, even though I don't understand most of the crap, I just cant comprehend.
I'm at work making money to support my family and myself. I have to make money, to give money to my mom, to help her with our expense's, and then on top of that, I have to spend a ton of money on them for Christmas. Every time I save a little, my mom needs it, or my sister needs money to live. I have to pay my BIG sister to live, or for what ever she needs. Have to get my grandma expensive food daily, because everything we have at home isn't quite good enough.
On top of all that fun, I have to walk on my tip toes to make sure, no one is freaking out, or crying or sad, or pissed off to the point they want to just throw me down the stairs. I take emotional blow after emotional blow, and they never stop. I'm sick of being a grown up, and technically I have only been a legal adult for three months. I've had to be a grown up literally since I was three.
On top of all this little stuff, I have college's and college applications on top of everything to worry about. I have to apply to three universities and two other colleges very soon, I just don't have the money to apply right now. Its terrible, I cant catch a break. Honestly, I don't know what the hell I am possibly going to do. I can't ask anyone for money, because my mom doesn't have any, plus I'm too proud to.
High school is supposed to prepare us for real life, but I've lived in the real world since day one. And lord knows I'm not the only one. This is the part where I want to play "poor picked on me,"
because I just can't catch a break. I just want to be mad at everything and everyone, because life is not fair. But I can't. And that's just so immature of me honestly. Everyone tells me that I deserve to be upset, I have a right to vent, but the second I do, I feel so terrible. I feel so immature and I feel like I am being disrespectful to my mom, because she can't help it, and she would give me every cent she owned if I really needed her to. Like I just recently got my senior pictures taken and the total is about $550, because my mom wants a big thing they give me, and she can't pay a penny. Its all me, with no money in the bank or savings. This is the season where the bills start to add up. This is the part I hate.
Don't feel bad for me, don't give pity, I don't want or need it. I'm too much of a proud person for it. I just hate when people get pissed because their parents wont buy them a new pair of jeans from American Eagle. I say this only because, I hate when people don't see the other side of things, or the spoiled. Again this is just me venting. I wish people could see the real world some times, and get pushed off that cozy couch their on.

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