Trusting Him or Myself...

I'm a very trusting person. Call me naive. But I am someone who has just been left behind, forgotten, given up on so much, that I refuse to do that to people. I can't give up, I can never give up.

So theres where I get in trouble, a guy gives me an inch, then I give him a mile. Not smart. I just see so much potenital in poeple that sometimes I go blind to what they do or who they really are. Hense I get hurt more often then I'd like. Which sucks, but you know what thats life. I think parts of me love the fact that I care so much about people. Another part of me thinks its a curse. I just wish that I could just find a happy merdium, you know what, I like that I trust people so forget that. I just wish I could find a guy worth trusting. Yeah, thats much better!

So I've recently decided to add on to my tattoo. I have a T-it needs to be something different. I hate what it stands for, so I am adding "rust" so it will read Trust. I want to mean something, and inorder for me trust people correctly, I must trust myself.

Rolling the Credits..

Yesterday was not the best morning of my life. I have insomnia, so I never sleep. And I woke up after about an hour of sleep to start my day... And all I could replay in my head was "worst mistake of my life." Thats what Trask said to his friends about me. I try so hard not to cry when it comes to him or anything, because for some odd reason people get really upset when it comes to me crying. I was having a bad day, and while I was dealing with this, I was actually saving Trask from getting his ass kicked. I should completely hate him. But I don't. I mean I honestly do not want him back, but I feel like I still just need him in my life. So I put up with his shit and let him disrespect me to his friends, and then be a completely different person when we are alone. It hurt like a dagger to hear him say something so heartless. Because I know even though both of us have regreted our reletionship, he loved it and me. We'd break up, and he was the one that always came back. Not me. Doesn't sound like you regret it that much? But ah well, shit happens.

"life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

story of my life right at the moment

i remember,

and i wanna know

Where were you,

when I said I loved you

And where were you,

when I cried at night

Waiting up,

couldn't sleep without you

Thinking of, all the times we shared I remember when my heart broke

I remember when I gave up loving you

My heart couldn't take no more of you

I was sad and lonelyI remember when I walked out

I remember when I screamed I hated youBut somehow deep inside, still loving you, sad and lonely

No one knew, all the pain I went through

All the love, I saved deep in my heart for you

Didn't know, where I would go, where I would be

But you made me leave, and plus my heart it just

It just kept telling me so

I remember when my heart broke

I remember when I gave up loving you

My heart couldn't take no more of you, I was sad and lonely

I remember when I walked out

I remember when I said I hated you

But somehow deep inside, still loving you, so sad and lonely

There was nowhere else to go, nobody else, to turn to, no

For the rest of my life, I promise myself I will love me first, genuinely

I remember when my heart broke

I remember when I gave up loving you
My heart couldn't take no more of you

I was sad and lonely

I remember when I walked out

I remember when I said I hated you

But somehow deep inside, still loving you, sad and lonely

I remember when I walked out

I remember when I gave up loving you

My heart couldn't take no more of you, so sad and lonely

I remember when I stormed out

I remember when I gave up loving you, I was sad and lonely

<3

"Okay, so let him go. It's up to you how long you let his memory stay, and do you really want to carry on this way?"

Dumb People

So i have just a list of people I'm not too happy with. Like I just dont like them, or they ticked me off, or something, regardless, they upset me!

Like I can take alot, but really just like really, my biggest pet peeves, besides drivers who think they are BA, would be back stabbers, sluts, liars, two faced people, and just fun stuff like that.

I am someone who is just able to forgive everyone for anyhting, but if you keep using the "sorry" button evenutally it doesn't work anymore you know? I am so sick and tired of having to please everyone. I am so sick of walking on egg shells for everyones feeligs. Im sick of feeling like crap. I try to make everyone so happy, and completely put my feelings a side for them, then for once I try to get something I want. And I loose. I've had to go throough so much pain and suffering in my life. And to watch people I care about suffer. I've lost everyhting, I've had to be 30 since I was 3. I've taken in more in 18 years, then most people do in a life time.

this is a song my aunt told me remind her of my and life.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of youI am afraidI lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fakeA smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you...

Guys Suck

So I just keep hearing more and more high school drama, and bull crap! I really think that Trask needs to not be such a loser. Grow up a little bit and stop being so two-faced and dumb and urg he just annoys the hell out of me. It only makes me more and more disgusted how he can sit there when no one is around and tell me how much he cares and wants us to be friends and any time he is upset I'm the one he calls, even before Becca. Then, when he is around his friends, he talks crap about me! Tells people I was the worst mistake of his life, then an hour later, tells me he's still in love with me.. How does this work?
Funny stuff I tell you. And just so your know Becca Vogl has never had cancer. She lied to everyone because of what a screw up she is, so her parents got pissed and put her with the kids she belongs with. I told Trask this, after I called her dad Saturday night. I asked him what kind of cancer she had, and he asked me if I was playing a sick joke. How do you lie about that crap? How do you tell someone "your in love with" that you have cancer, and then not have it. Just like she told everyone her freshman year that she was going to die by the end of the year from it, um its two years passed D-day.
For anyone that reads this, you shouldn't treat people like crap, karma sucks. It will only come back to haunt you. I promise you.

Anger

So yesterday I almost got in a fight with some girl that I have never had a civilized conversation with. I "quote" "unquote" called her a slut which gave her permission to try to fight me! How dumb is that. My personality is I dont back down from people. I dont like being disrespected and told off when I've done nothing wrong. I just have a natural tendancy to never back down.

Its something inside me from my past, that has just made me have a rough aggressive side. Ususally, if someone says something to me, I'm ready with my fists up, but yesterday this chick caught me off guard, and all I wanted was for her to go away, like by no means was I scared, but it just wasn't worth it.